Sending faint titan messages 

My mom tells me, "with some people no news is good news but not with you".

I walk all the way to the pier but the Ferris wheel is being torn down. 

A woman in the public restroom is cleaning up trash with a smile. 

Oh what does it all mean!

I climb down onto the rocks at the memorial park and there are tiny gnats swarming in front of the sherbert sky.

A police helicopter flies overhead and I hope it is looking for me. 

How low can you go

Plays in my head

At a never ending birthday party

It’s morning and it’s Sunday and I am making breakfast with avocados and listening to Graceland because it has been years. It’s summer so it’s pouring and the trees are blowing violently and it will stop and start all day, with an eye likely in the afternoon. My brother comes out and says “what’s going on out here?” and I say “you don’t like Paul Simon?” and he says it reminds him of drunk people we know at this tiki bar by our house called Jack Willies. He says he doesn’t like “folk type” music and then I say “that’s a saxophone" and he says “I hate saxophones”. Then he tells me he is in a quantum tunnel. I am drinking coffee now and he is sitting down to eat the eggs he made while we talked about “folk type music”. He has been watching videos about quantum computing and physics since last night. He mentions double slit theory and I remember this

double slit theory
in the morning
coming through my blinds
turning from blue to white
a long process
begins again

each night

searching causes bruises

on my cheeks and inner thighs

liver and brain get it the worst
i want to find my way

back to you

silly poem that I wrote five or 6 years ago. After seeing some animation about it and feeling whatever that constant feeling was. And he tells me that computer science is high school, a popularity contest like anything else. And that the circuits in our machines should be made for LISP and not C languages. And I say lets build them, lets make circuits that work faster with LISP. and we get excited. And talk about how the D-Wave is that way. We talk about what the language of AI will be.

The rain slows down.

My dog Alabama stares at me and so I take him outside. Earlier, I put on some socks and he started running in circles. He always thinks when I put on shoes or socks that we are going outside, and it's a self fulfilling prophecy because once he starts running in circles I have to take him out. I ask myself what on earth could I be doing at that moment important enough to disappoint that kind of excitement.

But earlier it was pouring and he hates the rain so I said, “ok” and opened the door for him to see. He got to the edge of the overhang and stared at the water coming down in sheets. 

But now it’s slowed to a trickle and I am watching him chest high in our neighbors tall grass. The rain water is mixing with my coffee, I haven't showered in a few days, everything is warm and messy and comfortable. 

My brother is working all on fire. 

And I am just here, like always, staring at the way the low clouds turn the fresh pine needles electric green; smiling to myself about how my brother pointed at Alabama while he chewed on an empty yogurt container and said “you don’t exist until I look at you!”.

space x 

I don’t know how exactly I came to be speeding up 75 north to Jacksonville beach. Sometimes people say that like, “oh gosh I just don’t know what got into me!” but what I mean here, is that I woke up driving. Just outside of Gainesville and surprised to find the steering wheel in my hands, I have no memory of getting in the car, or passing the treehouses on my street, of turning onto Hillsborough, or stopping for gas which I must of done since I’ve made it this far. 

But I do know where I’m going. 

I asked you if you would come. I told you, ‘a rocket exploded over Melbourne, they have calculated that the pieces should start washing up on Jacksonville beach in a few days. I want to watch them come in, to pick them all up and not give them back like you are supposed to.’ 

You told me you would help, because you are strong and could probably carry lots of rocket pieces. You weren’t interested in why I was interested, but you like physical labor and you’ll help. 

I think about an interest in whimsy being outside of the recipe you have made for yourself. 

And so we have the same conversations again and again.

But I don’t concern myself with it too much.

I wonder if there will be others, on the shore, waiting. For the pieces to come in. 

I might have left because of an infomercial I saw yesterday. I was waiting for my mom to get a pedicure and watching an infomercial with an asian woman who was waiting for more customers to come in. The spot was for some sort of dental surgery. I remember they said this surgery was preferable to traditional “cut and sew” gum surgery. 

I thought about someone cutting through my gums. 

I watched a woman razor callouses off of another woman’s claws. 

We were at the testimonial part of the commercial. A vanilla looking woman with leaky brown eyes was telling us that after she had the surgery she got in her car, (deep inhale, tears welling) and took her very first selfie. 

Her teeth had been holding her back.

Couldn’t have any selfies with these rotten teeth. 

And what a shame.

There was a part I liked though. 

A part that made me think, ‘you got me!’.

And that it’s all an elaborate joke, the design of culture and the universe is just a few steps smarter than me. Keeping me guessing and ultimately waiting to say “psychhhhhh!” 

It was when at the end the same lady popped on screen and said “YOU CAN’T KEEP ME OUT OF A PICTURE NOW!”. 

I heard her scream it in my head right after I heard her say it earnestly on TV. 

I imagined her becoming very obnoxious about it. Elbowing her way into any picture she could find. Becoming the godmother of a New Port Richey crime family. People showing up at my door hitting bats against their palms saying “any pictures bein’ taken ‘round here?”. And then them biting my legs off with cut and sew jaws.

And then we were going home. And now I am passing Gainesville. What the fuck. 

I was laying on the couch opposite my brother earlier. We are like lions, he and I and my dog Alabama. Love to be laying, always looking for distraction, we fall into the couches and put off whatever is coming for minutes or hours, sunsets at a time. 

And I was telling him. I think this must be an evolutionary kink working itself out. This thing with the pictures. It must be a step in our merging with computers. I don’t know. 

And he tells me the word “selfie” gave it power. And I said yeah, makes people feel justified in doing it. And then I felt sad, about how simple. 

And the Milgram experiment, and Rube Goldberg machines, and all the songs on repeat in my head, that If I just had the discipline to lay out. Lay out the ideas like long silk ribbons on a table fit for two. 

And examine the patterns and say “A-ha!”. 

And then you whisper in my ear, ‘no one cares’.

And I laugh.

And a generation with a foot in each world, yeah yeah. 

I used to want something. 

To feel a part of something, inside of some pulsing. 

Or to make or do something, so as not to take up space and then die. 

And now, when I think of what I want, it is a yellow dress and the sun.

It is standing outside our house, shielding my eyes and watching you pull in the driveway. 

It is exactly what I avoided. 

oh my oh no

oh my oh no

And I know all the things I want it to be about but I don’t know how to do it. 

are even emotions simulated? actors, pushing pressing - faking things we’ve heard and learned? wanted to feel? "this is what humans do!" bad performances at best

Made this little video for Johnny.

i open my eyes and see your face, ten feet tall or higher next to mine

and realize the cool breeze I had been feeling while I slept, under the tree

was you blowing real soft 

from around this time last year

IF I SLEEP ONE THOUSAND YEARS, WHEN I WAKE THE DOG WILL STILL BE DEAD IN MY TRUNK

It's like we're talking from opposite banks of a river

the sounds carried across the water

from my phone to yours

praying for some water under our bridge for so long

I can't hear you so good from over here

forgot that part maybe

that everything sounds sad when it's ringing

one thousand words for beautiful and I want to know them all. 

and none of them too,

it's all I think anyway

when I look at the green

after the sun has gone and before the stars have come

without Florida bleaching herself vulgar

and again I feel simple

when I mention the song of the cicadas and the wind through the palms

hush hush hush

distant thunder

sweet sweet sweet

come the sounds of summer

they just reached the fertile soil

my roots, they just reached the fertile soil

and now i can smell the honeysuckle blossoms all the time. 

at night, so strong, trapped inside of the bayou air

and carried along my dear tampa bay

and in the morning too

when I drive barefoot to the pusher

and scream the whole way home. 

and i didn’t forget you

i don’t think

Made these shirts

We build homes distant from the sounds of waves and crickets and storms but then simulate them to fall asleep. 

AI winter happened because of skepticism based on difficulties that exceeded predictions, which led to lack of funding.  A decade lost because of money. Where you put the money is where things will grow. Money is like water (in the current system).

And we are still hunting and gathering, clothed with bags under our eyes. 

have a bitchin' summer

I wanna move to California and get some real wild curtains.

When there is no milk you can put ice cream in your coffee.

My hand hurts now after just a little bit of writing.

Evolution takes as long as rivers carving out the earth.

So holding a pencil hardly registers.

click clack click clack

Will you marry me Arturo Bandini?
I'll be a good wife.

Getting ready to shoot something for The Beautiful Future and it's making me feel sweet on Not Waving But Drowning. This is my favorite picture from production. Everyone was going out and we couldn't be convinced.

I like it when plants look like they are drinking sunlight, or turning their faces upwards to bask. Or when buds look full with anticipation, waiting for just enough to sun explode.

Call me mama and I'm yours.

And isn't everyone and everything codependent?

The 2nd to last night before Glasslands closed I went to see Cymbals Eat Guitars. I love the way he sings, reminds me of Bruce and being 16. I wanted to ask them what they were going to do with the light fixtures after it closed. I wanted to deliver one to your doorstep in an unmarked box.

A little piece of nothing.

To remember me by!

I am sitting in the car parked right by the entrance of Publix at 9:55pm. Alabama is on my lap nervously watching the employees shut the place down. I am waiting for Lesley to come out with popcorn and MnMs for freezing.

"We will start tomorrow", with a grin.

I am fantasizing about hiding in a cart until after they close, about being locked inside with you all night.