5/30/14

A couple of times my dad has told me this story about Hunter S. Thompson - about someone running into him after dark on a beach somewhere exotic. That he had a monkey on his shoulder - and that the monkey was drunker than he was. That is the line I always remember "the monkey was drunker than he was!". That and my dads take on it which was that - "he hadn't expected to see anyone on the beach" - and "that that was just who he was." A man inclined to consider a monkey as good a company as any and who lived without concern for who was watching. 


And so I am home now, among the wild greens and painfully alone, a lonely. And I will paint my lips and take the time to add spices to the things that I eat. I will speak aloud to my dog and light candles at night. I will think of you, yes - but won't live less a life without your audience. An audience of none, an audience of one, a heaven where we encounter our heroes and may become like them. A heaven where we live up to the expectations of those that we love, effortlessly. And when the yellow light sweeps across my desk to signify the night I will not feel afraid, not of another day slipping away or of the tall dark shadows that loom while I sleep.

5/28/14


My papaw sends us pictures of the flowers in his yard as they bloom.

5/22/14


I don't feel a thing.
I look at pictures of you wearing shirts I have never seen.
and I don't feel a thing.

5/18/14

yesterday coming back from caladesi island we missed the ferry
we had to go back with the park ranger, tracy

i couldn't help but notice that when we got going fast

she took her hair down 
Let me tell you the ways that I am alive

when i was in high school one time I was walking out to the parking lot and it was raining hard. i was so wet i didn't care and walked slowly enjoying the warm weight of my clothes. when i got there i didn't want it to stop and i drove home with the windows and sunroof down and the rain pouring in. 

a celebration of myself

how come no one wants to hear that?

we only want to tear ourselves apart in front of others. that is easier. 

"where are the ugly parts to expose?"

with a cheerleader smile

"i look and i look and i jus caint findem"

and so i write about the future
or girls who resemble deers

and i offer my heart, full and healthy
to anyone who will break it

i love you bill
and i love you aaron
and i love you dad
and i love you anyone who has died trying
or is alive
and trying
or thinks about trying
but can't figure out how

and i love you too
those who feel the trying like a slight tremor under the earth 
or hear it in the rolling of a thunder cloud just before a clap of purple in the sky
and choose to ignore it
because it is easier to buy steaks when you feel flush
and sit alone when you don't
today is a good day because it feels very calm.
lesley slept with me last night and she wakes up very early.
and we agreed that early this morning it felt very nice in my room.
there was sunlight I never see because it was so early.
she went home to exercise and I went back to sleep and when I woke up the good feeling was still there.
catherine and I went to go get some coffee and work at a place near my house
and then les came back and we sat in a booth taking turns
she leaned against me like a big cat when i told her about the wave in my stomach
we are all here now, sitting on the porch and the breeze is making ocean noises again
it is reminding me of how i feel now about time
like i am not ascending or progressing but living in loops
that swish through the palm fronds
when i pull in the driveway here at night
the bunny that was eating clover races through my headlights back into the brush
and in the morning when i walk to my car
pieces of trees fall on my head from where squirrels are eating
when i come here later, the vines i planted will be taller
and again
lesley will be laying on the porch
touching her hair and telling me she doesn't know who she is. 

5/16/14


The weather today feels calm and salty and comforting like after you have cried.



missin you
i could cry i could cry i could cry i could cry all day

5/7/14


you will get tired of someone's body
and the pores on their nose
when you sit on the train
and listen to them talk about their parents, or their day
you will examine the way the skin is darker around the follicles of the hairs in their eyebrows
you will see the same pants
with the belt always in the loops
crumpled on floors
and then you will see them that way, on a body, too
if you are drinking
or the light is dim
or someone else is looking at them
you might not see these shapes
for a moment or two
but then it will be morning
and they will yawn
and you will see the little bit of saliva that stretches from a lip to a front tooth and then snaps apart

Feeling some of that good ol "why does anybody do anything?"

5/4/14


Nowadays, I wear holes into all my old things because I don't want to miss new ones.