You'll feel different in the morning.

A letter from February 28, 2013

today is my last day in florida

i didn't get done any of the things i was here to do

achey heart

do you think this is a funny joke?

"i dont know where the road less travelled is, but i know im supposed to take it"

my brothers friend eric dropped off a J for me the other day

so instead of pretending I was going to do any of the things I said I would

I woke up and smoked it and went for a very long walk

it was like an odyssey

at first I saw a peacock, with his full feathers out. he was shaking and dancing and the green and gold and blue was catching the sun and i thought about hair straighteners and gold teeth. 

I was listening to michael jackson and losing my mind. some of his songs are so good. I only became aware when a man on a riding lawn mower was staring at me that I was like, snapping and stepping. 

i walked down to the water and stared at the waves for awhile. thought about how everything is about death. felt lucky to have florida in my heart. I passed a bush earlier with pretty white flowers on it. I wanted to pick one for my hair and so was looking for one that looked like it was dying. I looked all over the bush, not picking ones that had unopened buds next to them. then I saw scattered on the ground lots of flowers that had fallen so I took one of those. 

when i was a kid, every night I put all the toys I had in my room in bed with me. I would worry they would feel left out. It started getting worse and worse and I wanted to put like my stool and curtains and stuff in my bed so my mom made a rule about how many things I could sleep with.

standing at the water a breeze lifted the white flower out of my hair. I chased and and of course pulled the petals, "he loves me, he loves me not". he loved me. 

i listened to beyonce and walked down the pier behind a boy and girl. he had a neck tattoo and was smoking a black n mild. they were walking slow and i felt like i could merge with them. slip right between their interlaced fingers, were it not for the dark look she gave me. 

i thought about living inside sinead oconnors voice. it is so lush, the sounds the cells in her neck make. i feel not like she is the greatest, but there is something special about how air passes through her. it makes me sad now to see her overweight with ugly tattoos and no end of the rainbow. 

i looked at all the houses and cars and thought for the first time ever, maybe i will never change how i feel. maybe i will never want this. no tea parties or crepe paper. or pig tails or having sex while there are children sleeping. 

i listened to this jackson brown song john always said i should. he said it was about me. i had kind of listened before but never really, even though he asked me about it a bunch. it took me so off guard. the depth and sadness of the words. I think i so often underestimated his understanding of me. I cried walking down the street with the sun beating down on me. I looked for a bit of shade to hide but i had to keep walking. I thought about how sad, that I can't tell him. I listened to it, finally. and you are right. and all the things I can;t tell him. i cried for all those things too. and for the secret hallway in my heart that has been created, where there was once none. 

i picked another flower, yellow. he loves me not.

felt fitting, but the world is what you make it so i picked another, he loves me.

it was at about the two hour mark that my body started to hurt.

now i am home, on the porch and the breeze sounds like waves. repetitive motion. 

when i pass areas that are unkempt, unmanicured, eyesores to the friends of my mother. i can't help but notice. they leave their dead right out. brown palm fronds entangled with bright red hibiscus and bottle brush. they rot and nourish where they can be seen, so we don't become too delusional about life. next to this lot i passed a small house. on the fence next to it was a big sign with a photo of a really cute young boy, and next to it a photo of him in a football uniform. he died about 5 years ago, when he was 17. i wonder how long before his family will take down that banner. already, the sun is bleaching it, and it I am sure, no one on that street even notices it anymore.